Starting points ....... and ends

The quote from Alice's Adventures in Wonderland is a good starting point for a coaching conversation.  

Covey in his book on the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People talks of 'Begin with the end in mind' - though I much prefer the Cheshire cat version.  Coaching conversations without a clear objective(s) becomes just a pleasant conversation. Where a client is completely stuck the first session may often become a session on working on clear objectives. 

Alice speaks to the Cheshire Cat

`Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?'

 `That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,' said the Cat.

`I don't much care where--' said Alice.

`Then it doesn't matter which way you go,' said the Cat.

`--so long as I get somewhere,' Alice added as an explanation.

`Oh, you're sure to do that,' said the Cat, `if you only walk long enough

Transactional Analysis

Transactional Analysis (TA) was developed by Eric Berne in the 1960s and 1970's. 

The philosophical assumptions of TA 

• People are OK – i.e. have worth, value and dignity. I may not always like or approve of your behaviours, what you do, but your essence as a human being is OK with me.
• Everyone has the capacity to think. Therefore it is the responsibility for each of us to decide what he or she wants from life. Each individual will eventually live with the consequences.
• People decide their own destiny, and these decisions can be changed.

Decisional model:

You and are OK. We may sometimes engage in some not-OK behaviour. When we do we are following strategies we decided as young children. These strategies were the best way we could work out as infants to survive.

To realize our full potential as grown ups we need to update the strategies for dealing with life that we decided upon as infants. When we find that these strategies are no longer working we can chose to review them and to act differently. In TA terminology we need to gain autonomy. The TA tools for working to achieve this are awareness, spontaneity and the capacity for intimacy.

For a healthy, balanced personality we need to access all three states: Adult for the here and now problem solving; to fit comfortably into society we need the sets of rule we carry in our Parent; while in our Child we have access to the spontaneity, creativity and intuitive power we enjoyed in our childhood. 

PAC EGO STATE MODEL

An ego state is a set of related behaviours, thoughts and feelings. It is the way in which we manifest a part of our personality at a given time. The model sets out three distinct ego-states:

• Adult - if I am behaving, thinking and reacting in response to what is going on around me here and now and using all the resources available to me as a grown up person I am said to be in my Adult ego state.
• Parent - at times I may behave, think and feel in a way which is a copy of my parents, or of others who are parent figures to me.  If I do I am said to be in my Parent ego-state.
• Child - sometimes I may return to ways of behaving, thinking and feeling which I used when I was a child. Then I am said to be in my Child ego-state. 

Transactions – If I am communicating with you I can chose to do this from any of my three ego states. You in turn can decide to reply from any of your three ego states. This exchange of communication is known as a transaction.

Complementary transactions

Complementary transactional vectors (of stimulus and response) are parallel; the ego state addressed is the one that responds

• Adult :Adult
• Child: Child
• Parent : Parent
• Parent : Child

Crossed transactions

Crossed transactional vectors (of stimulus and response) are not parallel, or in which ego-state addressed is not the one which responds.

• Stimulus: – Adult – Adult
• Response: 
• Parent – Child;  
• or Child - Parent

Ulterior transactions

In ulterior transactions two messages are conveyed the same time.  An overt or social message, plus a covert or psychological message.

Overt: Adult – Adult

Covert: Parent - Child

When I offer you a transactional  stimulus I can never make you go into a particular ego-state. You can choose to respond from whichever ego-state you want.

Childlike not childish – there is no such thing as an ‘immature person’ only someone in whom the Child takes over inappropriately or unproductively.

In the Child resides intuition, creativity and spontaneous drive and enjoyment.

The Adult is necessary for survival. It processes data and computes the probabilities which are essential for dealing effectively with the outside world.

The Parent has two main functions. First it enables the individual to act effectively as the parent of actual children, thus promoting the survival of the human race. Secondly  it makes many responses automatic, which conserves a great deal of time and energy.

Thus all three aspects have a high survival and living value and it is only when one of them disturbs the healthy balance that analysis and reorganization are needed. … each has its legitimate place in a full and productive life.

Life scripts

Berne proposed that life scripts are started at birth, completed in childhood and updated with real characters in adolescence.  Script decisions represent the infant’s best strategy for surviving in a world that seems hostile, even life threatening. Script decisions are made on the basis of a child’s emotions and reality-testing.  Life scripts are classified under three headings:

• Winning  - relative to accomplishing the ‘declared purpose’ I have set myself,  comfortably, happily and smoothly.
• Losing or hamartic (Greek hamrtia ‘basic flaw’) – someone who does not accomplish a declared purpose.
• Losing or banal – ‘middle of the roader

You can determine a winning life script by putting the question - What would you do it you lost?  

• A winner has additional options, that is how he wins. If one thing doesn’t work out, he tries something else until he is successful.
• A loser doesn’t know, all he can talk about is winning – when my horse comes in….
• A non-winner sometimes wins, sometimes loses, but never very big in either direction, he does not take risks.

Most of use decide on scripts which are a mixture of winning, non-winning and losing.   Our personal combination of decisions may be entirely different. What is non-winning to you may be winning to me.

Most important of all to realize is that any script can be changed. By becoming aware of my script I can discover areas in which I made losing decisions, and change them to winning decisions.

As adults we sometimes replay the strategies we decided on as infants: 

• When the here-and-now situations is perceived as stressful. 
• When there is some resemblance between the here-and-now situation and a stressful situation in childhood.

The movement into script is decisional, even though the decision is out of awareness. By being aware of script we are able to take greater stress before moving into scripty behaviour (or via therapy improve my ability to problem solve rather than resorting to scripty behaviour).  We ‘rubberband’ back to a childhood situation, often ‘putting a face on someone’ from my past experiences (parent, sibling)  - Freudian ‘transference.’  One of the goals of TA is to ‘disconnect rubberbands.’

While in script we attempt to meet adult problems by re-playing infant strategies. Necessarily these bring the same results as they brought when we were infants. Without conscious awareness we seek to set up the world so that it appears to justify our early decisions. When we get those uncomfortable results we can say to ourselves in our Child ego-state, yes the world is like I decided it was.  

Our scripts are often ‘magical solutions’ for resolving the basic issue that was unresolved in childhood: how to get unconditional love and acceptance. As adults we have a hard time letting to of that magic and are terrified of what the alternative might be – some terrible, unspeakable disaster that we had build as infants and that our script was crafted to avoid.  For this reason some people continue to follow ways of behaving which, at the same time, they recognize as self-damaging. 

Extracted from TA Today: A New Introduction to Transactional Analysis. Ian Steward & Vann Joines, 1987.


If you are interested in reading more I recommend Dave Spenceley's notes on the TA101 introductory course and his articles and book reviews.  He also offers a 2-day TA 101 workshop in Leeds. 

Commitment

Goethe on Commitment - J. W. von Goethe

"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative ( and creation), there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favour all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way.

Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now".

A key part of the coaching conversation is this question of commitment.  Having identified / clarified the goal, examined the options and decided on the next steps, the question arises - 'How committed are you?'   Without personal commitment to the changes agreed the coaching remains at the level of a comfortable conversation.


As outlined in the recent post on 'procrastination, the coachee may need help from the coach with 'getting specific'

• What do you want to start with first?
• How important is it to you that you do it?
• How are you going to do it?
• When are you going to do it?
• Exactly when?
• Who do you need to help you?
• How realistic is it?
• How committed are you to doing it?
• What do you need to get it on track?
• What do you need to keep it on track?
• What might be lurking around the corner to derail it?
• How can you avoid that?
• What help do you need from me?

but the commitment remains with the coachee.

Gallwey - Inner Game

In his book 'The Inner Game of Work,' (2000) Timothy Gallwey develops his tennis coaching model (from The Inner Game of Tennis, 1976) and applies this to the wider context of work. 

For Gallwey performance at work, as in sport, is undermined by potential interference. 

P = p – i   

Performance = potential less interference.

Performance can therefore be enhanced, either by growing “p” potential or by decreasing “i,” interference. The goal of the Inner Game is to reduce whatever interferes with the discovery and expression of one’s full potential.’

Gallwey’s underlying premise is that we have two ‘selves’.  

Self 2 is the human being itself, embodying all the inherent potential we were born with, including all the capabilities actualized and not yet actualized.  

Self 1 is the critical inner voice, the  ‘know-it-all who (does) not trust Self 2’ but who constantly advises, criticises and effectively undermines the innate abilities to perform that we all have. Self 1 is the influence of all the criticism we have been exposed to in the past, pushing us to adapt to the demands of the outside world.

Coaching is: ‘the facilitation of mobility'. It is the art of creating an environment through conversation and a way of being, that facilitates the process by which a person can move towards desired goals in a fulfilling manner.’  He points out how our perceptions and definitions of external ‘reality’ impact our experience of this reality.  Thus making a conscious choice about the lens through which we experience work is what redefinition is all about.  He outlines three interconnected principles involved in the process of learning to learn and personal change: ACT -Awareness, Choice, Trust

• Awareness - about knowing the present situation with clarity;
• Choice - about moving in a desired direction in the future;
• Trust- in one’s own inner resources.

 He highlights the importance of ‘desire:’ identifying what we really want, what we are passionate about, rather than what self 1 is telling us we 'ought' to do. 

He includes other useful models in the book, including the STOP model

• Step back
• Think
• Organize your thoughts
• Proceed

and the idea of you, the player, as being a corporation, and examining who actually has controlling shares in this business:  you, your partner, parents, children, your boss? Do you have the freedom to run you the corporation as you want to? What would you need to do to re-establish a majority stake?

Procrastination, and small steps...

Over the last couple of months the ‘procrastination’ word has come into several of the coaching conversations I have had with players.  There is usually an air of resignation, of the player being back in that place that he/she recognizes and does not like. The personal dislike for not being more determined, not being stronger, not having moved on, got on with it …. 

How to ‘just do it’?  No wonder the Nike slogan has been so powerful, we can all relate to that time when we wanted to ‘do just do it’ and something held us back.

We usually sit down and get specific.  We pull the whole thing back centre stage and dissect it into more manageable bits:

• What do you want to start with first?
• How important is it to you that you do it?
• How are you going to do it?
• When are you going to do it?
• What might be lurking around the corner to derail it?
• How can you avoid that?
• What help do you need from me?

We then go on to write it down and I follow up with the player to see how he/she is managing their own next steps. Usually the process of breaking it down into small, more manageable, ‘bites’ makes it easier for the player to ‘just get started.’  To quote Lao Tzu: A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

Last week I came across a posting on one of my favourite sites, Anecdote, that also offers suggestions for just getting started......

Kevin Bishop of Anecdote posts a book review on Dr. Robert Maurer’s book  One Small Step Can Change Your Life.  Dr. Maurer is an Associate Clinical Professor at the ULCA School of Medicine, and an expert in Kaizen, the Japanese technique of achieving lasting success through a series of small, steady steps. 

Maurer argues that all changes, even positive ones, are scary. Attempts to meet goals through radical or revolutionary means often fail because they heighten fear. But the small steps of kaizen disarm the brain's fear response, stimulating rational thought and creative play.

In this book he lays out six strategies which underpin Kaizen and applies them to everything from overspending, beginning an exercise program, managing stress, to keeping the house clean.

The six strategies are:

1. Asking small questions to dispel fear and inspire creativity

Maurer argues your brain loves questions, so use this to shape behaviour. So instead of writing down all the things you should be doing to improve your health, ask yourself small questions like: "what is one way I can remind myself to drink more water today?" and let the brain come up with, and implement the answers. He uses the example of Michael Ondaatje, the author of the English Patient, who says he doesn't start by asking; "What kind of characters would be fascinating to readers?" Instead he takes an incident, say a plane crash, and asks himself a few very small questions, such as "Who is the man in the plane?". "Why did the plane crash?". "What year is this?" The answers to these very small questions lead him to create his rich, emotive and ultimately prize-winning novels.

2. Thinking small thoughts to develop new skills and habits

Maurer believes that this philosophy is enhanced by "mind sculpture," a concept developed by Professor Ian Robertson and outlined in his book Mind Sculpture: Unlocking Your Brain's Untapped Potential . Mind sculpture is a kind of guided imagery designed to train the brain in small increments to develop new social, mental, and even physical skills, just by imagining yourself performing them.

3. Taking small actions that guarantee success

This is all about empowering yourself with simple small steps to start the change process. He uses plenty of examples including the following:

Get more sleep. Go to bed 1 minute earlier at night, or stay in bed 1 minute longer in the morning.

4. Solving small problems, even when you are faced with an overwhelming crisis

When something happens that does not work properly, Maurer argues we should spend the time and energy right then to solve it before it produces unwanted results. "Confront the difficult while it is still easy; accomplish the great task by a series of small acts." Tao Te Ching.

5. Bestowing small rewards to yourself or others to produce the best results

Maurer believes that small acts of recognition and small meaningful rewards are much more effective than bigger or more structured rewards.

6. Recognising the small but crucial moments

This is all about understanding that small things make a big difference, especially at crucial moments. He tells a fantastic story about Psychologist Dr John Gottman and his study with couples on the small acts that make a huge difference whether they stay together.

• 'Begin anywhere'.....find inspiration in this incomplete manifesto for growth.
• Watch the TED talk on trying something new for the first 30 days
• Excuses we make to ourselves - read Chris Brogan's blog
• And if you are interested in 'small changes' in organisations read the Management Innovation Exchange MIX exchange  and the MIX manfesto